And the lord said to Noah, " in six months I'm
going to make it rain until the earth is flooded and all the evil people are destroyed.
But I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am
ordering you to build Me an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the
specifications for an Ark.
"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and
fumbling with the blueprints.
Six months passed, the skies began to cloud up and
the rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his yard and weeping and
there was no Ark.
"NOAH!!!," shouted the Lord, "WHERE
IS MY ARK?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah.
"I did my best but there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for
the Ark construction project, and Your plans didn't meet the code. I had to hire an
egineer to redraw the plans."
Second, I got into a big fight over whether or not
the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.
Third, my neighbors objected, claiming I was
violating zoning codes building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from
the City Planning Commission.
Fourth, I had a big problem getting enough wood for
the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I had to
convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't
let me catch any owls. So no owls.
Fifth, the carpenters formed a union and went on
strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before
anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat and
still no owls.
"Sixth, I started gathering up animals, and
got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to my taking only two of each kind.
Just when I got that suit dismissed, the seventh
thing that happened was that the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without
filing an environmental impact statement on Your proposed flood, they didn't take kindly
to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Supreme Being!
Eighth, the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of
the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.
"Right now I am still trying to resolve the
complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croations I'm
supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying
taxes by leaving the country, and I just got notice from the state about owing some kind
of Use Tax. I really don't think I can finish Your Ark for at least another five
years," wailed Noah.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and
a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean You are not
going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly, "The
politicians already have."
